You Can Buy It At Wal-Mart For $1.98

December 7, 2019December 7, 2019 · Leave a comment ·

Shot with a Canon Rebel T7 by someone with zero experience

The ornament, that is, although the joy can come free with purchase if you want it to.

I didn’t know I did until I saw it hanging on the tree.

I had a plan, if you can call it that, maybe just an idea – unless I find the missing box of ornaments the tree will stay bare until I can afford one of the wonderful bee ornaments that can be found at Amazon or Etsy. With that in mind I took a chance when I was ordering groceries, to see if ~~Hell~~ Wal-Mart might deliver me a bee along with my dinner. No, but they did offer glittery wings, and hey, why not? $1.98, might as well.

They are way bigger than I expected – full hand size, palm to tips – and they look like, well, 2 buck wings from Wally World … but once they were on the tree, once they were nestled in with the greenery and lights, beautiful. Joyous even. Simply joyous.

So yeah, I didn’t expect the first ornament I would buy for my tree to be glittery wings, but they fit, somehow. Cheap and a little gaudy, until you give them some love. Kind of like Charlie Brown’s tree. Kind of like me.

Interlude/Stuck on You

December 6, 2019 · Leave a comment ·

Third day in a row. Was I more surprised when you showed up again, or when the washing machine showing up at my door finally made sense?

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, don’t know how to contain this fire. I’ve missed you like air, like water, like veins crying out for the presence of blood, thick and coursing red.

I’ve missed you. I’ve missed who I am when I’m with you. I’ve missed riding the train to meet you, missed the magic and the mayhem and the moondance.

This adventure is going to be so much better with you along for the ride.

Hail to you Loki, to the fire in your eyes and the warmth in your presence.

Time to Move On

December 5, 2019December 7, 2019 · Leave a comment ·

It’s time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
It’s time to move on, it’s time to get going

Indeed it is.

I think I’m ready to do that now. It’s been just over four months since he walked out of the house, three since I realized he wasn’t coming back – since I admitted it, internalized it – and now that the initial ~~terror~~ panic has passed and I realize we’re going to come out of this okay – not great, maybe, at least not yet, but definitely okay – I can just relax into this new life, this new happiness.

This is an adventure, one I always wanted but couldn’t justify to myself – now I can have it, without the guilt, without the baggage. Would it be tacky to send him a thank you card, now that we’re talking to each other again? Probably. But maybe not – maybe he would appreciate knowing I don’t hate him. I’m not even mad at him, not any more.

If he hadn’t left I’d still be going through the days miserably numb, like a bug stuck in amber just waiting to suffocate. I didn’t realize just how numb and depressed I had gotten until it started lifting – which really didn’t happen until the last few weeks. Halfway through November I still couldn’t talk to people without crying. Now I can’t talk to them without telling them how happy I am, telling them how many plans I have.

He left me with a (leaky) roof over my head and just enough money to pay the bills and not starve, and I am burning up with ideas of how I can turn it around. It’s all on me, and for months that had me scared enough to puke but now I have my bat in hand and I am fucking ready.

Ok, time is wasting and I still have things to do so time to move on, yeah?

Document Your December, day 3:

And the gratitudes, can’t forget those:

Today I am grateful for

Happiness

A clean table

Good music

Finding the Magician two days in a row

The joy of this song (even if I am still devastated by his death):

Proof of Life/Proof of Presence

December 4, 2019December 5, 2019 · Leave a comment ·

There aren’t enough hours in the day now, nor enough spoons, but I am One Strong Willed Bee so I power through. I’m not getting everything done but it’s enough to feel good about everything. Right now I’m laying groundwork, trying to build a solid foundation so come January I can Get Busy.

What sucks about the groundwork is so much of it is spending time I don’t have right now to save time down the line. Which I will surely appreciate at some point but right now it is pretty hecking frustrating. Today I spent 2+ hours building a folder of things to use for DYD and the cards I hope to send out – but I also did yesterday’s DYD page, cooked a bomb ass stew, earned few coppers, started working on ideas for stuff to make – things to buy with those coppers – washed the dishes, took care of animals and a Young Dude and an Old Mother.

And all on about 4 hours of sleep. That’s going to catch up with me. The good news is J is on a decent sleep schedule for a few days. I swear every time he cycles around to it (going to sleep between late afternoon and mid-evening) I get so hopeful, that maybe it will stick this time and I’ll won’t be stuck juggling being awake for him and being awake for mom – and being awake for business hours, because hfs that’s all adding up as well.

Too much to do and not enough time or spoons – nothing but pure determination to keep up.

(That’s going to leave a mark someone whispers. It might be me. Might not, too, and that’s a whole ‘nother story I don’t have time to tell.)

Now it’s time to fix coffee and see what I can get done before I fall asleep on my desk. Well, after the Gratitudes:

~*~

Today I am grateful for:

Good food

Cold weather

A kiss on the cheek from the One I miss most (4 weeks, Loki. I’m counting.)

Ideas!

Inspiration!

And the picture I posted up there, which I am pretty sure is the only photo of the two of us, and became day 2 of DYD

~*~

And I wasn’t going to share a tune since I didn’t use one for the title, but I just got another kiss on the cheek in the form of a song so why not?

The Blissful Bee

Blissfully Buzzing Through the Adventure of a New Life.

You Can Buy It At Wal-Mart For $1.98

Interlude/Stuck on You